Ah, Halloween. The night my husband and I enjoy the spoils of our children’s labor. Oh, are you one of those parents, too? Hello! Isn’t it great making sure all the candy is “safe” for your kids to eat? What are your favorite candies to “test for safety”? My husband and I prefer Twix, Snickers, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Peanut M&M’s, and Almond Joy’s. We make sure to test every day – anything for our kids…
If this is your first year trick-or-treating with your child, or you know you haven’t helped your children live up to their true candy “getting” potential, I have the best tips to help maximize their candy collecting abilities! Follow these steps, and you, too, can “test” a gazillion pieces of (presumably) your kids’ candy for safety!
Please Note: this only works if your kids are still young. Once they hit age 9 or 10, you’re going to have to start buying your own candy. I know – the horror.
*** I wish I didn’t have to spell it out, but in this day and age, you never know. For the record, THIS POST WAS WRITTEN IN FUN. It is a PARODY. In no way am I promoting parental greed and selfishness, implying that children should be used carelessly for candy, or that we should be stingy and withhold candy from them. Are we all good? Great! Have a great Halloween! ***
10 Ways To Ensure Your Kids Get (You) The Most Halloween Candy
1. Dress Them Up In A Halloween Costume
Kids are cute – they just are. But a kid in a costume? That bumps the cute factor over the edge. People cannot keep themselves from cooing over a tiny human dressed as an adult, a princess with a gigantic dress, or a super hero! And then, if your kid is really into their character, and does all the poses or curtsies? H’oh man, get ready for people to throw bags full of candy at them!
2. Eat Dinner, But Not Too Much Dinner
If you stuff your faces before you go out on a walk, you’ll either be too sleepy to go very far, or if you’re like one of my kids, you’ll have to poop in 20 minutes. On top of that, if your children are full, they won’t feel the “hunger” or have the drive to get as much candy as they can. You know how you shouldn’t go to the grocery store hungry? Same thing with kids and trick-or-treating. Treat it with the respect it deserves, man.
3. Bring Water And A Snack
Since your kids didn’t eat a full dinner, you may encounter someone saying, “I’m huuungry” on your walk. And if you aren’t prepared, they’ll want to dig into your precious stash. Be prepared and bring them a snack and water. Keep the candy intact.
4. Bring An Extra Bag
There is nothing like seeing a kid come up to your door with a bag full of loot. At some point, a home owner will say, “oh, this poor fellow can’t hold any more candy, I’ll just give him one piece.” What?! How dare you! Prevent skimping like that and bring an extra bag! There are so many benefits to this:
– You can empty out the the treat bag as you go, making it light for your child to carry
– When a homeowner sees a child with an empty bag, watch the heart strings get pulled before your very eyes! Teach your kid how to do “puppy dog eyes”, and watch them get TWO adult handfuls worth of candy! Astonishing!
Side Note: If you choose to get your kids a plastic bucket or special Halloween basket, then an extra bag is a MUST. Those things only hold an afternoon’s worth of candy for ONE person. Snore Fest.
5. Bring A Jacket
I’ve heard this one too many times: “I’m coooold, mommy!” Cold? You want to know what cold is? Try walking into the Costco dairy section after you’ve been sweating in the summer sun. That’s cold, child. To prevent you from turning around prematurely, bring everyone a jacket (that means you, too!). No one’s complaining on your watch!
6. Everyone Pees Before Leaving
7. Bring A Flashlight
For two reasons: 1.) safety and 2.) you can use it to distract your children from the miles worth of streets you’re about to roam
8. Bring A Stroller
Here’s a common scenario:
Kid walks. Kid gets tired of walking. Kid gets whiny. Kid asks parent to carry them. Parent carries them, “but only for a little while”. Parent’s arm falls off. Parent gets irritable. Someone starts crying. Everyone goes home.
Did I describe your life at any given moment in time? Hmmm.
You know what happens if you go home? No more candy to be hoarded, my friend. But you can change all that by bringing a stroller. If your kid gets tired, just stick him or her in a stroller and you can push them around for miles! What? Your kid is seven? Don’t you always say they’re your baby no matter how old they are? Well, put your money where your mouth is and stroll your big, old baby down the block, my friend! Miles of candy await you – don’t start getting shy now!
9. Hold Their Bag For Them
Ever notice how heavy candy is? Guess what – your kid notices, too. And like every child in the universe, they’ll start to get tired of carrying their bag, and whine about how heavy it is… which will make them want to go home. NO! Do not quit! Carry that bag for them, adult person. You’re strong, and carrying one bag of candy is nothing. Carry it for your kid so they’ll last five more miles in that stroller!
Pro Tip: If you’ve gotten to Step 9 and your child is starting to cross over into the Dark Side, ONLY THEN should you let them play with your phone. Save the big guns!
10. Allow Your Kids To Sort Their Candy
Allowing your kids to do this tedious work frees you up to inconspicuously eyeball the stash. It also gives you time to strategize where in the house you will hide the candy you enjoy (if you hadn’t already), and what candies (and how many of each) can be spared for your children. See how efficient that is? Delegating works!
Congratulations! You are now fully prepared to take your children Trick-Or-Treating! If you plan on trick-or-treating with friends, please make sure to share these steps with them. You didn’t prepare for this important night just to turn around 10 minutes later because they didn’t handle their business. I would hate to hear of you breaking up your friendships due to their unpreparedness.
Go forth, enjoy your family time, and the tons of delicious candy you’ll get to enjoy test for safety!