Life Stories

The Right Way To Slather Stuff On Bread

I have a hard time when condiments and other food stuffs are not spread onto bread to the very edge. Chalk it up to mild OCD. Or, perhaps, an unpleasant childhood experience.


Third grade.
Lunch time.
So hungry.
Mom made PB & J.

I unwrap my sandwich and take my first bite. Yum. Encouraged, I take my second bite. Euh, that was a little dry. I take another bite. Gag, all the peanut butter was in that one bite! Take another bite: that’s more like it, yum. And another bite – where’s the peanut butter?!

Repeat sad lunchtime inner monologue until sixth grade.

The Right Way To Slather Stuff On Bread 1

I learned from those days that the only way to get a satisfactory bite of PB&J was to give every inch of a slice of bread equal coverage – crust included.

Today, I cry a little inside at the idea of not eating the perfect mix of bread and whatever condiment I’m using. I mean, don’t you feel sorry for the part of the bread that’s all, “Wah! Doesn’t she love me enough to put some peanut butter on me, too?” Don’t you hear your mouth every time it’s forced to eat an unevenly slathered piece of toast? “Uck, this is so unevenly PLAIN!” I may be in the anal retentive minority here, but you just can’t DO that to sandwiches! You just can’t DO that to your mouth!

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The moral of the story, friends, is this: pleaseohpleaseohplease cover your precious slices of bread all the way to the edge. Please.

Thank you.

*This message has been brought to you by the Office of Bread, Department of Correct Condiment and Food Stuffs Application and your mouth.

6 thoughts on “The Right Way To Slather Stuff On Bread”

  1. Oh my gosh, that was the best! I laughed through that whole post because I’m the same way. Nice to know I’m in good company.
    My kids hate when I make their lunches because they don’t want the “fill in the blank”…all the way to the edge. Daddy on the otherhand is a center spreader (they love). Are these my kids?
    Lala recently posted…#ShowItWednesday: Stripping, Sanding & Staining

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