I’ve had videos of my baby boy on repeat all weekend long. I can’t help myself; my kid’s cuteness is like a hypnotist’s wheel, and I can’t tear my eyes away from the screen! Watching these videos, though, I’m having some pretty intense feelings of pride (self-explanatory) and deep sadness… Wait. Sadness?
Let me explain: I have slowly come to realize that I wasn’t fully present in the early months of my baby’s life. I managed to be there to take care of him, but not be there, you know? I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t even remember making these early videos of him. It hurts my heart and my head trying to remember these moments, and finding I can’t.
I was just too overwhelmed to really enjoy anything during that time. I was either frustrated with how slowly my body was healing, mad about being sweaty all the time, or crying for no good reason in the bathroom (thanks, hormones!). On top of all that, I had this sick idea that I had to be Super Woman – even though I just gave birth and needed to rest and heal!
As soon as I got home from the hospital, I thought it was a requirement for me to do it all – clean house, do laundry, cook, heal my body, AND take care of my baby. Mom’s can do it all, regardless of circumstances, right? I was scared. If I didn’t do all these things would I just be confirming to myself that I was a complete and utter failure? Someone made a big mistake making me a mom!
Thinking about that time makes me want to breathe into a paper bag.
Oh well. I ended up being a failure in my attempt to live life as Super Woman – that didn’t take very long – but I’m more than okay with it. It taught me some very important things along the way:
1.) I can’t do it all
2.) I shouldn’t do it all
3.) There’s no shame in accepting help, especially when you’ve just given birth
4.) You can never have too many pictures or videos of your kids
And now I can toot my own horn, and honestly say I don’t think I’m doing a half bad job at being a mom. I can’t say the same about the housework.