Guilty Conscience

Aunt Flo came into town the other night… but why-oh-why was there a tiny area of my heart hoping she would miss this month’s visit?

Curiously, the thought of having another baby doesn’t make me cringe inside like it used to. So, I’ve found myself toying with the idea of getting pregnant again. I haven’t had a serious enough conversation with my husband about it, but we’ve thrown it around loosely here and there. And when I say ‘loosely’, I mean we’ve said things like, “Ha ha! Wouldn’t it be crazy if I got pregnant again?” or “Could you imagine if we had another baby?! Yeesh!”

However, I’m still struggling with the idea because I’m jealous for my little Monkey boy. Whenever I look at him and try to imagine another little baby in our family, I think of him, with his tiny feet and bald head, getting shoved aside, while everyone makes way for the new arrival. No, no, no, no, no! Not my Little Monkey Love Bucket! How could anyone even think of kicking him to the curb?

I suppose what’s really going on is that I’ve got residual guilt from being pregnant with my boy. Guilt because when I had him, poor Huzz got the short end of the stick. All my time and energy went into taking care of the baby, and when I did have a free moment (which I didn’t), I just wanted to be alone to sleep. I guess I’m afraid that when I have another baby, it’ll be the same thing! And poor Monkey Man will be sitting on the sidelines with his daddy, waiting for me to share my love with him again. Ugh, the thought breaks my heart and makes me want to cry!

Pack your bags, Aunt Flo! This emotional roller coaster is too much!

Lunapark Loop-The-Loops Roller Coaster

18 comments Add yours
  1. Me too! I so thought I didn't want any more babies, now I fall asleep every night thinking of it.I worried about the same thing when I was pregnant w/ number 2, I even cried about it. But trust me they don't feel any less loved.

  2. I say go for it! You can never love one less then the other. I had my older boys 3 1/2 years apart, then years later had our youngest 12 & 15 years apart. They spoil the youngest, yet, the older guys fight like mortal enemies! And love each other just as much. They fight like cats and dogs, but NO one else can do to them what they do to each other. I love it. I wish now I hadn't of had my baby making machine removed. I'd loved to have had another playmate for Caleb. It's kept hubby and I young, and never a dull moment around our house..LOLdo it, do it, do it. hahahahaa

  3. It is nothing to be scared about. I have three and I remember when I only had my first and the thought of having another one scared me to death. How could I love another baby as much as her? You just do. There really isnt any rhyme or reason to it. You mother instinct kicks in and you are able to share your love and time with each child and all at the same time. Your husband on the other time. Schedule date nights. They are so important. At least once a month. Need a sitter? Go to Care.com and they find you sitters in your areas and you can do background checks on them and everything! Awesome! Okay sorry for writing a book. Good luck with your baby making. ;o)

  4. I had so much guilt when I had the second one too. I felt horrible. I just took advantage of the moments that I had alone with my first and it all worked itself out. There's enough room in your heart for two or maybe even more….

  5. I will admit that I did cry alot when I was preggo with number two. I just couldn't imagine how hard it would be for number one. After the birth and the initial craziness everything was perfect. Number two became a great frienemy for number one. When I had number three there was no question in my mind that we all had enough love to give him too. I will not deny how stressful it is to keep up with three small children and meet their demands, but I think my situation is a little more special than others. My hubs is pretty much only home to tuck them in for bed. It really gives me a new found respect for those single moms out there though! I think that if you really can see yourself having another one you will. I hope that you do, you will not regret it – I promise.

  6. Awww, Jennifer, you are the sweetest mom!!! I can totally relate to what you're saying. I have always felt guilty for not being able to give Cole and Bella the amount of attention they needed/deserved when Garrett and Landon came along. Even now, I feel guilty about not having enough one-on-one time with them. But then I also realize that it's MY issue, not theirs. They seem very happy and they seem to enjoy being in a large family! If your heart is saying "just one more", maybe that's what's meant to happen…

  7. Awwwww! Definitely go for it – like others have mentioned, you'll find you have plenty of love to go around… :) I'm on the other end of the spectrum…if I could, I would give the Princess Nagger a sibling – I feel bad that she's not going to experience the joys of having a brother or sister to grow up with like I did… :)

  8. Yikes! All you I-wanna-have-another-baby bloggers are driving me crazy. I'm trying to fight the feeling but y'all are breaking me down. lolYou what though, I've never actually tried to have a baby. Both my pregnancies were unexpected. I bet if I tried I wouldn't get preggers. Go figure. Anyway, happy babymaking!

  9. You're thinking about these things which makes you aware. That alone shows how great of a mother you are, concerned about the mental and physical well being of your kiddies. Engage the older kiddie in being a great big brother. Get him involved as much as possible.Cheers,LeNesha

  10. Hi I finally figured out how to add my follow me button on my blog so I hope you will add yourself to it– I am following you!!Looking forward to it

  11. Pingback: Go With the Flo

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